One thing that makes me break into cold sweat is my family members calling. It's not that I mind them calling. The thing is, for any innocuous or innocent reasons, I'd be happy to get a call out of the blue and just chat. However, since the norm is me calling, them receiving my calls, I get into full anxiety mode when I get calls, especially from my Mama or Baba.
It'll be worse if I get calls late at night or really early in the morning, because:
I usually sleep really early at night and during non-class days, wake up really late in the morning, and my family knows this. So them calling at my hibernation hours must be related to something important enough to wake up the bear, so to speak.
it's a weird hour to call, since my Mama and Baba also sleep early and while they wake up early, they usually have lots of activities in the morning other than calling me to say 'hi'.
So yeah, when I see a missed call from either of my parents, my heart will start to palpitate and I can feel it getting stronger and almost bursting out of my chest. Thankfully, usually the reasons are harmless enough, like a call from Baba a few days ago, asking me about the brand name of the glucometer I bought last year. I feel like giggling like a 10-year old girl when I heard him asking about it, since I was so afraid something serious happened.
Mama called me last week. She asked me the recipe of my aglio olio which I made quite frequently back then (when my lazy ass is inspired to cook, that is). I love aglio olio and my Mama apparently likes my aglio olio to ask me the recipe. I am so touched! Mama almost never ask me for any recipe, and it's actually always me asking for her recipes. Isn't that lovely? ^^
I am thoroughly frustrated with myself. I honestly don't understand why I am like this. Why I always get into fights with my parents and having a hard time to show love and appreciation. Why am I this lazy, that I can almost never help my Mama in all the tasks she asks or never asks me to do.
My Mama has forever been taking care of me. She cooks the food I love, does my laundry for me, clean my room and bath, send me to places and now, she even freeze left-overs for me to bring back to school to eat. My Baba has been fetching and sending me everywhere and pay for my internet. Both of them encourage me to reach my dream, instead of giving up on me, until today. They always want the best of me.
So, why? Why am I this stubborn and so rude? Why am I this short-tempered? Why my mouth hardly ever say 'thank you', 'I love you' and such? Why my body refuses to help my parents? Why?
In any event, I hope my Mama and Baba can see this and this is my way of saying 'thank you very much for loving this-very-difficult-me' and 'I love you Mama and Baba'. So much.
I hand-wash my clothes, when I live apart from my parents, since last year. First it was because of lack of washing machine. Then, it was because I was just to lazy to accumulate my clothes to fit a load for washing in the machine. Yes, that sort of laziness made me soak my clothes after the shower and wash it on the next shower.
I cook almost every day. I am a student, thus, living on a student budget will not allow me to eat out, not even leisurely once in a month. So, I have to cook to keep my food budget less than RM100 a month. Which means, I have to forgo the necessary balanced diet of fibre and vegetables and stick to protein and carbohydrate.
I get crushed every time I check my bank balance. Every freaking time. I think, deep down, I am wishing for a miracle RM10,000 to be deposited in my account, just like that.
I watch my baby niece's many many many videos that my sisters send via Whatsapp as regular as time flies and always have this hurt in my chest. I miss her badly, she's the baby girl who I really love. She's beautiful and oh-so-very adorable and cute! I cannot wait until she can call me 'Aunty xxx!!!'. Miss you, baby girl!
I am now addicted to AirAsia and Malindo. Yes, airlines. Yes, airplanes. Yes, flights. Coz I'm stuck in Sibu and I need to get out as much as possible and those 2 flights are my only saving grace. Forget MAS, it's expensive and the only way I can get a ticket is to sell part of my liver (don't worry, it can regenerate).
While I won't say my move to Sibu is full of flowers and happiness (well, I did wrote a long ass rant about it, and it actually doesn't stop there), I am truly thankful for the little blessings bestowed to me. First of all, my Baba's car finally arrived here with my stuff. With that, I feel somehow supremely happy, to see my stuff and to see what food my Mama packed for me.
Mama gave me her specialty snack that she made herself, a huge container of 'kuih gunting' or 'kuih siput'. And she also gave me rice (yes, I know, Sarawak has rice too, after all, but with that rice, I feel closer to home somehow since it's a familiar brand from home), a tin of cream cracker (I LOVE CREAM CRACKER, OKAY) and a few bags of snacks. I feel truly thankful to Mama and Baba for the food and the car. I will always remember this.
Next is the fact that my classmate, Ida, bought Vivian and I KFC. We went out with Mastura yesterday night, just cruising and driving around Farley area, just to check out the area and the supermarkets. Then, Mastura bought KFC for Ida for her dinner and gave a portion to us, per instructed by Ida. That is really nice. Random kindness is really super nice. Thank you Ida! May Allah SWT bless you ^^
I am one of those who enjoy flying. I find the whole process of packing, checking-in, waiting to go on board, flight food, heck, even flight commode as quite exciting. There are a few things that always stresses me out (weighing my checked-in luggage and hand luggage, for instance), but overall, I usually enjoy the experience.
That said, I have this weird obsession of being weirded out or somehow ashamed of this ritual. I don't even know how to explain why or what exactly my feeling is, but I can only say this, meal time on board is just weird. For me. I always have this strange conversation in my head about how strange it is for the air-steward and stewardess to hand out food on flights.
Somehow, I just cannot face them while they are doing so. I just can't. I've faked sleep before. I've pretended that I can't hear them before. I've looked at the cart instead of their faces. I've pretended to be somehow busy before. Basically, I do all I can to avoid looking at them while they are serving. I have no idea why I am like this, to be perfectly honest.
Basically, I just find handing-out-meals time excruciating. Without a cause nor reason.
It is so therapeutic to talk to my Mama. I feel so bad today, like lowest of low, and after ranting like a madwoman here, talking to Mastura and now my Mama, I feel that everything will be okay. I know God is testing me, so I shall take it as fate and face it head-on. Things will always be better. I have to believe that.
I am also missing home badly. It's really different, the feeling of living far away in Auckland, for the fact that I am still here in Malaysia, just on the other side of the sea, and not as accessible to home as I was in Teluk Intan before. While flights are quite frequent (AirAsia has the most flights in a week and daily too), it is not as cheap as taking a bus home every weekend.
Anyway, Mama cheered me up. She doesn't really say motivational words like, 'Do your best', but she did talk about random stuff like my house condition, Sibu in general, Sarawak famous layered cake, my flight and survival of my frozen food in the luggage and so on. I feel so close somehow, like I am talking right next to her, instead of via the phone line.
I know I don't appreciate my Mama, Baba and siblings often. I don't know how to demonstrate affection, we are not an openly affectionate family and I am easily frustrated, rash and short-tempered, but I do love my family the best. And I know they will love me no matter what. So, yeah, I will always remember that my family loves you as much as I love them. I am truly sorry for all of my imbecilic infantile outbursts.
I think I am going to blog A LOT in Sibu. My weekends are literally MINE. Thus, yeah, lots of blogging aka ranting time! Remind me to find a part time job eh? I need it desperately now to survive Sibu. I need to pay my dad for the shipping of his car too.