Condolance

Is there even a way to convey a condolence in an event of a death?

I feel that there is just none.

Only time will heal all hurts.


In the mean time, grieving is just what we all can do.

Have You Ever Feel That Way?

One thing that makes me break into cold sweat is my family members calling. It's not that I mind them calling. The thing is, for any innocuous or innocent reasons, I'd be happy to get a call out of the blue and just chat. However, since the norm is me calling, them receiving my calls, I get into full anxiety mode when I get calls, especially from my Mama or Baba.

It'll be worse if I get calls late at night or really early in the morning, because:

1. I usually sleep really early at night and during non-class days, wake up really late in the morning, and my family knows this. So them calling at my hibernation hours must be related to something important enough to wake up the bear, so to speak.
2. it's a weird hour to call, since my Mama and Baba also sleep early and while they wake up early, they usually have lots of activities in the morning other than calling me to say 'hi'.

So yeah, when I see a missed call from either of my parents, my heart will start to palpitate and I can feel it getting stronger and almost bursting out of my chest. Thankfully, usually the reasons are harmless enough, like a call from Baba a few days ago, asking me about the brand name of the glucometer I bought last year. I feel like giggling like a 10-year old girl when I heard him asking about it, since I was so afraid something serious happened. 

Have you ever feel that way about a call?

This Sweet Life

Mama called me last week. She asked me the recipe of my aglio olio which I made quite frequently back then (when my lazy ass is inspired to cook, that is). I love aglio olio and my Mama apparently likes my aglio olio to ask me the recipe. I am so touched! Mama almost never ask me for any recipe, and it's actually always me asking for her recipes. Isn't that lovely? ^^

Self-Reflection & Frustration....

I am thoroughly frustrated with myself. I honestly don't understand why I am like this. Why I always get into fights with my parents and having a hard time to show love and appreciation. Why am I this lazy, that I can almost never help my Mama in all the tasks she asks or never asks me to do.

My Mama has forever been taking care of me. She cooks the food I love, does my laundry for me, clean my room and bath, send me to places and now, she even freeze left-overs for me to bring back to school to eat. My Baba has been fetching and sending me everywhere and pay for my internet. Both of them encourage me to reach my dream, instead of giving up on me, until today. They always want the best of me.

So, why? Why am I this stubborn and so rude? Why am I this short-tempered? Why my mouth hardly ever say 'thank you', 'I love you' and such? Why my body refuses to help my parents? Why?

In any event, I hope my Mama and Baba can see this and this is my way of saying 'thank you very much for loving this-very-difficult-me' and 'I love you Mama and Baba'. So much.

Peculiar Stuff

• I hand-wash my clothes, when I live apart from my parents, since last year. First it was because of lack of washing machine. Then, it was because I was just to lazy to accumulate my clothes to fit a load for washing in the machine. Yes, that sort of laziness made me soak my clothes after the shower and wash it on the next shower.
• I cook almost every day. I am a student, thus, living on a student budget will not allow me to eat out, not even leisurely once in a month. So, I have to cook to keep my food budget less than RM100 a month. Which means, I have to forgo the necessary balanced diet of fibre and vegetables and stick to protein and carbohydrate.
• I get crushed every time I check my bank balance. Every freaking time. I think, deep down, I am wishing for a miracle RM10,000 to be deposited in my account, just like that.
• I watch my baby niece's many many many videos that my sisters send via Whatsapp as regular as time flies and always have this hurt in my chest. I miss her badly, she's the baby girl who I really love. She's beautiful and oh-so-very adorable and cute! I cannot wait until she can call me 'Aunty xxx!!!'. Miss you, baby girl!
• I am now addicted to AirAsia and Malindo. Yes, airlines. Yes, airplanes. Yes, flights. Coz I'm stuck in Sibu and I need to get out as much as possible and those 2 flights are my only saving grace. Forget MAS, it's expensive and the only way I can get a ticket is to sell part of my liver (don't worry, it can regenerate).

Little Blessings

While I won't say my move to Sibu is full of flowers and happiness (well, I did wrote a long ass rant about it, and it actually doesn't stop there), I am truly thankful for the little blessings bestowed to me. First of all, my Baba's car finally arrived here with my stuff. With that, I feel somehow supremely happy, to see my stuff and to see what food my Mama packed for me. 

Mama gave me her specialty snack that she made herself, a huge container of 'kuih gunting' or 'kuih siput'. And she also gave me rice (yes, I know, Sarawak has rice too, after all, but with that rice, I feel closer to home somehow since it's a familiar brand from home), a tin of cream cracker (I LOVE CREAM CRACKER, OKAY) and a few bags of snacks. I feel truly thankful to Mama and Baba for the food and the car. I will always remember this.

Next is the fact that my classmate, Ida, bought Vivian and I KFC. We went out with Mastura yesterday night, just cruising and driving around Farley area, just to check out the area and the supermarkets. Then, Mastura bought KFC for Ida for her dinner and gave a portion to us, per instructed by Ida. That is really nice. Random kindness is really super nice. Thank you Ida! May Allah SWT bless you ^^

Just Call Me Crazy

I am one of those who enjoy flying. I find the whole process of packing, checking-in, waiting to go on board, flight food, heck, even flight commode as quite exciting. There are a few things that always stresses me out (weighing my checked-in luggage and hand luggage, for instance), but overall, I usually enjoy the experience.

That said, I have this weird obsession of being weirded out or somehow ashamed of this ritual. I don't even know how to explain why or what exactly my feeling is, but I can only say this, meal time on board is just weird. For me. I always have this strange conversation in my head about how strange it is for the air-steward and stewardess to hand out food on flights. 

Somehow, I just cannot face them while they are doing so. I just can't. I've faked sleep before. I've pretended that I can't hear them before. I've looked at the cart instead of their faces. I've pretended to be somehow busy before. Basically, I do all I can to avoid looking at them while they are serving. I have no idea why I am like this, to be perfectly honest.

Basically, I just find handing-out-meals time excruciating. Without a cause nor reason.

Issues

Everyone got issues, I got endless of them and the current pressing ones:

1. Money. Well, when else is money is NOT an issue to me? Moving to Sibu really drains whatever savings I have. A bad omen from the get-go, I say.
2. Boredom. 2 weeks of boredom. Please save me, dear Lord.

I took this picture in my boredom....

Mothers Know Best

It is so therapeutic to talk to my Mama. I feel so bad today, like lowest of low, and after ranting like a madwoman here, talking to Mastura and now my Mama, I feel that everything will be okay. I know God is testing me, so I shall take it as fate and face it head-on. Things will always be better. I have to believe that.

I am also missing home badly. It's really different, the feeling of living far away in Auckland, for the fact that I am still here in Malaysia, just on the other side of the sea, and not as accessible to home as I was in Teluk Intan before. While flights are quite frequent (AirAsia has the most flights in a week and daily too), it is not as cheap as taking a bus home every weekend. 

Anyway, Mama cheered me up. She doesn't really say motivational words like, 'Do your best', but she did talk about random stuff like my house condition, Sibu in general, Sarawak famous layered cake, my flight and survival of my frozen food in the luggage and so on. I feel so close somehow, like I am talking right next to her, instead of via the phone line.

I know I don't appreciate my Mama, Baba and siblings often. I don't know how to demonstrate affection, we are not an openly affectionate family and I am easily frustrated, rash and short-tempered, but I do love my family the best. And I know they will love me no matter what. So, yeah, I will always remember that my family loves you as much as I love them. I am truly sorry for all of my imbecilic infantile outbursts.

Blogging Mode

I think I am going to blog A LOT in Sibu. My weekends are literally MINE. Thus, yeah, lots of blogging aka ranting time! Remind me to find a part time job eh? I need it desperately now to survive Sibu. I need to pay my dad for the shipping of his car too.

Dear SEGI

I understand that moving us to Sibu is essentially beneficial for us in terms of learning. However, do you realize that not all of us are super rich or can throw RM1000 around in month so easily for all the expenses including rent? Do you realize that some of us have to think about budget and expenses? Do you realize flight to Sibu is damned expensive and transport here is as dismal and expensive? Do you realize you are making me very stressed over the move? 

Thank you for reading this, if ever you read this insignificant blog.

On that note, I would like to thank Uncle Hua the van driver for being a friendly face from Sibu who is always ready to help and cheerfully talk to me every day. I feel like that's one of the best times of the day for me so far. Please thank Uncle Hua the van driver for me, okay, SEGI?


And, the saving grace of the campus: THE NICE HUGE LOCKERS! YAY! I finally find something positive to say!

Moving

At first, I thought of moving as an adventure. After all, I've moved countless of times before. From living in a boarding school during high school, to college, to moving to Auckland and back. Not to mention, the numerous times I've moved around in Auckland as my lease expires. I rarely feel stressed over moving other than feeling tired, but over all, I like the experience. It's not all flowers and sunshine, there were times I was stressed over, some issues here and there.

However, moving to Sibu turns out to be a disaster in an epic proportion (for me). First, my 'housemate' that is supposed to share the house with the 4 of us, changed her mind on the day that we are supposed to move. I mean, if she changes her mind way earlier, I'd understand, so it's easier for the rest of us to find another house just for the 4 of us. No. She has to 'shop' first aka go and see and compare to the hostel and decide, 'Oh well, screw them, screw Harley, let me just do what's right for me, and let them just die'. Yes, the expense and effort to find another housemate is so startling, I am beginning to feel like crying.

Let me explain to you one thing about Sibu and Malaysia and housemates in general. Good ones that are compatible with you, pay on time and respect the rules and regulations are rare to find. I find it in Evie and Fazan in Auckland, in that sense God gives me a lot already. Then, I got Vivian as a room mate, who turns out to be really nice and least fussiest person on earth. We got along well, at least on my part, so I am thankful. 

Now, about housemates in Sibu. To find one is not easy. Malaysia doesn't have a centralized trusted websites like TradeMe to find prospective housemates. No. We have tonnes of almost useless websites (and mostly probably cannot be trusted) that I have to find one by one and list the room for rent, and guess what, still no reply until now. I had to stay upbeat and tell myself, 'I will find one eventually, ASAP'. 

Oh did I forget to mention, the 'housemate' didn't look for replacement and told me to find one, because 'she's not familiar with Sibu and she's a foreigner'. Well, my little lady, screw you. I have NEVER been to Sibu nor do I know it familiar or non-familiarly, and so does the other 3 girls. A foreigner card excuse is stupid, since I've lived 5 years in New Zealand, never asking for other people's help in finding a house or a housemate before. I do it myself. ME. Yes, I am not so useless after all. You, on the other hand, want to walk away free and easy and be irresponsible. You even asked for your deposit back, quoting, 'I haven't signed anything yet'. Of course, since it is ME who signed it. I am the one screwed after all. You even dare to tell others, making them sympathize with you and make me look like the evil bitch, guess another one, think again.

Anyway, next, shipping car. My dad's boss' company screw him over. The company quoted to ship a car to Sibu will cost us RM2750, while 2 of my classmates paid RM1700 and RM2000 to ship theirs. And yes, the company sent their cars to their doorstep. The difference is HUGE. That's like, almost RM1000 of difference. And the stupid boss/company even dare to say, 'I am giving you a discount'. What bullshit discount? Are you sending my car in a gold container or something? Or are you sending it by air and the car will arrive in 1 day? No, it will arrive exactly at the same time as my friend who's paying RM2000 for her car to be shipped. So yeah, I can't help but stressed over how badly my dad is treated by his own fucking boss.

Third, along the way, from the airport until I arrived in Sibu, there are so many unexpected expenses that I am ill-equipped to respond to. First, the excess weight for my luggage. I know, I am supposed to know about it since I've travelled so many times before. But usually the MAS or Brunei staff is really really really really nice and they will just waive off 1-2kg. AirAsia sucks ass. Even 1kg is charged, thus I lost RM35 just like that before even arriving in Sibu. 

Then, the van from my place to the campus. While it's not far, not even 5 minutes drive away, each trip is RM2 and I have to use this van for at least 10 days, so, at least RM40 is lost already. Not only that, my house has no fans, so either I have to buy a stand fan (which I am initially prepared to do until I am bleeding money) or use the air-conditioning unit, which I had to resort to, since the ceiling fan in the main hall broke down so soon (of unknown reason). I plan to sleep in the hall with that fan until I can get a stand fan and now that I am literally broke, and the house is unbearably hot after the cleaning up I did, I had to use the air-conditioning unit. I am scared to think about the electricity bill later. I even stayed over in campus and go back late just so that I don't have to switch on the air-conditioning unit.


Did I tell you that there is no bank anywhere near Sibu Hospital? The banks are 20 minutes drive away in the city. And as for ATMs, there are no Maybank or CIMB ATMs anywhere at least 5km radius to my place or the hospital. And ditto for petrol station. Nearest one is not so near. Oh and the road condition here is atrocious. Like, holes and bumps everywhere. Some roads are not even PAVED! Stones EVERYWHERE! I swear I will drive 40-50km per hour in this condition.

Did I also mention I spent TONNES of money to go to my good friend's wedding? Well, tbh, I am not stressing over that, since:

• I love her. She's my best friend and the nicest person I can think of. Her wedding is something I will never, ever, not attend unless I'm that desperately broke, which I am but I already did buy the flight tickets, so yeah, that's okay.
• I am finally leaving this hell-hole called Sibu, even for 2 nights. I need to re-charge, see familiar faces and places.

Sibu is not exactly a hell-hole. But the circumstances I landed in from the journey from home to here are just too horrible for me to even see the nice side of Sibu. I hope I can get over this soon. I need to move on. If I think back, there were lots of times I get stressed over things when I moved, but in time, I can chuck them all as an experience. I hope that time will come soon. That I can chuck this all of as an experience and look back fondly, well, not THAT fondly, and think, 'Ah! I went through that too'.

P/S: Do you guys know any female who wants a room and planning to rent for 2 years? It's really really near to Sibu General Hospital! And it's fully furnished!

People I Am Leaving Behind

I am missing my grandma already. I just stayed over for one night. She cooked me delicious rice noodle and fried rice when I should be the one cooking for her. I forgot to vacuum her carpet (I hope I can do it tomorrow) but I did get to accompany her for a day. Going to Sibu is harder than what I initially thought. I guess I always regarded going to Auckland as an adventure while going to Sibu is more of a necessity.

Bottle Full Of Love

I think the greatest invention of modern times is if we can share beautiful smells via media (online, TV, radio, adverts). I can't describe how beautiful Escada's Ocean Lounge perfume is. Actually, I can but yeah, I love this perfume! I sprayed it on myself for my now-cancelled date with Rini, and I can still smell it until now. It inspires me to write stupid poems of love!

It really smells like candies and sweet fruit. I love it!

Twitter

Have I already mentioned that I'm addicted to that too?

Yeah, that tweety bird thing.

I've tweeted over 50,000 times to date. Do you know that if you tweet too much, too fast, you'll be 'jailed' aka won't be able to tweet for a short while ranging from 1 minute to 1 hour? That means you have to have a back-up aka a jailed account, which I have.

So, yeah.

Addiction

This is a confession.

I have a not-so-new addiction that I just can't help but be addicted. 

Online shopping.

While I confess of not being rich, being that I am not earning nor have a sugar-daddy, I know my limit, thus I don't overspend on stuff that is too expensive. That said, I buy things that, upon deep reflection, that I don't really need. Not really. 

Food vouchers to restaurants (God knows how many restaurants I've been to, from pizzeria to vegetarian), make-up kits, electronics (from powerbank for my brother-in-law to cheap android phone that I somehow suddenly desperately need, according to people around me) to accessories and perfumes.

Worse is, I am still addicted. I troll for value-for-money stuff, like original perfume that is at least 20-30% cheaper than the over the counter price and food vouchers on half price. 

I think this is my cry for help. Someone, please lock my bank account. Please take away all of my debit cards. Please lecture me on the reality of saving money for the future. Please tell me that I am into this too deep, that I need help. Help.

Is Living Too Depressing Back Then?

Credit: zombienerd88

Well, the fairy tale writers should be proud that life is as horrifying now as they are back then with rape, murder etc. They are not too far off, in fact. The irony, eh?

2014

I've never presented myself as someone who's not who I am. I am brash. I am hot-headed. I am lazy. I love kpop especially 2PM (well, scratch that, I just love 2PM). I love to read romance and watch romance dramas. I dislike movies. I don't usually read the news (but lately, I've subscribed to the Star for latest news, as news amuse me somewhat). I am rarely interested in politics. I am quite shallow for someone approaching her 30s soon.

Anyway, looking back, at the door of my 30s, I feel like a lot of things have changed for me, yet, I am still, at the core, the same person. I am as unreliable as ever. I feel like I need a drastic change, but well. I don't feel like I need one. So, yeah. May God lead the way for 2014 and beyond. He will definitely show me the way. I will definitely find my way.