whoopsie!

i saw my first public bashing ever a few days ago...well, not much bashing going on as far as i can see...these group of boys were surrounding this one boy and pushing him around...the boy being surrounded was very vocal and kept screaming 'fuck you!!!' amongst other things...i was walking past and the place was isolated...these bullies kept shushing the bullied boy while eyeing me....me, being a scaredy cat that i am, called the security...anyway, the moral of the story is: never walk in an isolated place...erhmm, and help people who are in need...and do not bully other people...sheesh, stop judging me!....hahahaha...

nursing, my **s

why does one call drinking beer 'nursing a beer'?....the whole thing totally escapes me...one associates nursing as taking care and being extremely caring and careful...what's taking care has to do with beer?...drinking 20 tall ones with friends make you go drunk, depending on your tolerance level, not extremely caring...weird...where does that phrase coined from?...one thing i don't need to think about but i just can't help to...

mercenary me

feminists are forever bleating about woman's rights to equality (oppss, not bleating, that's too harsh, campaigning is more like it) and independence...while i agree with them, and enjoying the fruit of their labours, i also have the female dependence tendency...being never experiencing as a half of someone (boyfriendless to be more apt), i have always done things by myself, or with friends or family...

a lot of my girl friends keep on saying that they prefer to pay half of things and some such when they are on a date...me?...i would really really really love to be a mercenary bitch and have my boyfriend/husband to pay for me...it's not that i'd rather shop and enjoy his money (i would actually), i would rather do something i love like operating a cake/shoe shop and shop and enjoy his money at the same time!!!!...hahahaha....

well, i envy those who got chocolates, teddy bears, cakes, clothes or whatever from their boyfriends...i know i would reciprocate by buying my other half some thoughtful gifts, but getting one will be a whole new experience for me...i love giving gifts and it goes that i love getting them...sadly, i've never gotten a perfume or something really really really surprising from anyone...

i love the presents i've gotten from my family and friends, but i rarely gotten things i really love...wait!...i remember now, a few years ago i've gotten a gift voucher from a bookstore from my friends syafiq and marie...i love them for it :) ....i want a boyfriend who gives me thoughtful gifts like that...i'd better count my prayers then huhuhu...

lists

'we make plans, God laughs at them'...never truer words spoken...i am the ultimate list-maker...yes, the Queen of list, that's who i am...i make lists for everything...lists make my world go world...anyway, the thing about my lists are, they are just something i do...i make lists...it doesn't mean i follow them...most of the time, the lists are never completed...somehow, from the time i make lists (i remember it was way back then, when i was 9 years old, no, it wasn't that long ago, wasn't it?...i'm still young!!!), i used to follow them faithfully...

somehow, as age creeps in i never seem to manage to complete my list...i admit, sometimes the items on the list are incredibly unrealistic...like, can a normal average 20-year-old manage to complete 30 items on a list in a day???...and to add pain to the injury, i always get derailed by some other things that are not even in the list...take today for example, i am supposed to vacuum my room, do my laundry and visit lucien at starship...somehow, none of those things are done...i did managed to clean my bathroom though...weird...it wasn't even in the stupid list!!!...that happens a lot...how i do other things that i am supposed to do...

calm before a storm?

i have this feeling of calm before a storm...i don't know why...it's too peaceful today, well apart of getting anxiety-ridden news of my whole family contracting high fever and my dad being hospitalised for it (i'm not marginalising the news, it's just that, it's private, so i'm keeping the rest of it to myself)....my life is never peaceful...it's full of things-i-need-to-do-now-but-again-i'm-late-in-doing-them kind of crisis...i wonder...

one thing i do

one thing i rarely rarely rarely do, no matter how stupendous or marvelous that particular item is, is watching a movie/film/drama that i've already watched...even if i watch that particular movie/film/drama cursorily, i will almost never watch it again...even if i rave on and on and on about that movie/film/drama, i will still watch it just that once...i can count with one hand for how many times i re-watch something....if i do tell someone i do, then it's 99.9999% assured that i lie, gracefully....

i think, as far as i can remember, the only movies/dramas i re-watch are 'the nanny' (coz my sisters love it so, so i'm kinda forced to watch it, but then again franny fine never fails to crack me up, anytime), 'my wife and kids' (again, the same reason) and 'spongebob'....as for 'spongebob', that u need to hear...i never particularly like it, or attached to it...it's just i was there and i was bored and i had nothing to do, so i had to watch it, again, with my fellow 'spongebob'-crazy siblings...anyhow, that's it...i have attention span of a dog...or pardon me, attention span of an animal with non-existing attention span...

weird

i have this strong feeling of dissociation lately...don't know why...it feels like i'm outside of my own body, looking down on me...i feel really near, yet so far from me...

Sappy

sorry for the too much, too sappy posts lately...i declare the first week of August as my month of serious and reflection and thankfulness...the rest of the month, well, time to get things moving...

Thank You

By today, I have depended and is still depending on a lot of people to go on...Life is difficult for me right now...I know 99% of these difficulties can be blamed on me...I am still learning and still is making a lot of huge mistakes...But as someone close to me said 'this is not the end, there is more difficult things ahead'...I know this...But still, now this is the most difficult thing I have to face...

I am very thankful I am stronger than before...I have faith, I don't feel useless (I do but I am trying hard not to think that way)...In the future, all these can be written as part of my memoir (I am pretty sure no one cares, but who cares?!!!...It's my life, my story, no matter how stinky or uneventful it is)...

Anyway, I have been given endless chances by Allah SWT and other people...I will never be forgetful...However, I want to take this time and chance, while I am still standing here, breathing on this merciful earth to be thankful...I am thankful to ever merciful Allah SWT...I am thankful for my life, no matter how horrible I made it...

• I am thankful to my ever forgiving and loving mama and baba...I will keep this moment in my time and I promise I will give my all to give this all back...
• I am thankful to my sister Jaja, who always listen and who is always the voice of strength and practicality...
• I am thankful to my other siblings Gegel, Alin and Aboy, who always pick up the phone to listen to my ramblings and make me feel good when I feel really down...
• I am thankful to Nenek Maridah, who loves me...I love you so much Nenek...I am sorry I am such a bad granddaughter...
• I am thankful to Nia, whom I tell everything, who force me to face this, whom I really love...
• I am thankful to Dora, who is always kind while I am definitely not and who always find something good to look for...
• I am thankful to Fazan, who is the voice of reason, who help me see things clearly...
• I am thankful to Yaya, who dispenses hugs all around and promises me a spot as her bridesmaid even I am such a horrible friend...
• I am thankful to Rachel, who always cheers me up with her sense of humour and generosity...
• I am thankful to Joyce, who takes care of me when I am in need...
• I am thankful to Evie, who gives and gives and always make time for me...
• I am thankful to all the nice people who make me smile or pave my way for me...I love all of you, and thank you for always forgiving me...

I am not perfect...I will always alway make mistakes...For that, I am sorry...No matter what, I will love all of you...

Happiness

Dora asked me a few days ago of characteristics of my ideal man...Coming from someone who has never have even a real crush, never mind a boyfriend, I am quite free with my ideals...They are foolish and yes, very ideal...I listed lots of characteristics...Somehow, all of these characteristics wind up to describing fidelity, responsibility and honesty...

I just realize one thing that I should really really want in a man, happiness...He should promise me happiness...I know it's too vague and impossible, but ideally, my man should want my happiness above all else...He should want to strive to give me everlasting happiness...Why else I want to be with him when happiness is so elusive lately?