2018

Hey!

2017 is long gone and 2018 is almost gone.

Here I am.

I saw my last post and I am amazed how far I have gone. I have to admit I did not reach where I am now the most traditional way, the normal route or path that others took. Mine is definitely longer and full of self-doubt. 

I doubt back then I am doing the right thing.

I doubt that I am heading to where I should be heading.

I doubt this is the life I wanted for myself.

I doubt that I am doing this the right way.

As I said, a lot of doubts.

Being alone (not really, I have an amazing family, but I live apart from them, so I am essentially alone, another story for another time), I have too much time to think of bullshits in life. Almost like 1st world problem in other people's life, if you will.

I first thought, hmmm, I will go down surgical/paediatrics path, I would NEVER do internal medicine. But hey, almost 3 months in, I'm QUITE settled in medicine.

It is AS BAD AS PEOPLE SAID, but it is NOT THAT BAD. How should I phrase this.

It has its moment. Some of it bad, some of it good. Some of it is just bleh, it is okay. I'm not an excellent person in my job, mind you. I am not hardworking enough. I am not knowledgeable enough. I am not skillful enough. I am full of loopholes and doubts. And yes, misery along the way.

To be truthfully honest, once I finished my training (2 years in total, but it does not really prepare me mentally for what is more to come), I am petrified thinking of my future as a medical officer. I have people coming to me ON THE FIRST DAY OF MY JOB asking for my opinions and plans. In my head, I was screaming, 'I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA, I DO NOT KNOW WHY I AM HERE, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO, I DO NOT KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT, I JUST DO NOT KNOW!'.

Yes, in capital letters. I was in their position once. I was the one who pestered my seniors/nurses/MOs/specialists and whomever I could pester to get a plan. Now, I am on the other end and I was feeling like a fish out of water.

I am alone in a state where I have nobody to talk to. I am not even sure I am ready for this. But I was here and I have to be ready.

Thankfully they put me into an easier rotation the first few weeks. I did not even have to face the acute/subacute sections, let us just forget CCU nor ICU. Unluckily my luck ran out and I started to take over the acute/subacute section on my second/third week (was it my third week, but it was fairly fast). I have to do oncalls which is more terrifying than working normal shift (which is already scaring me to pieces).

Luckily, I have my seniors who were doing first calls to rely on. Every decision I make, I second guess myself. Every thing I do, I feel like I am on an uncharted land, blind and lost. Again, not so lucky on my part, I was 'promoted' to second call of which I am essentially alone on my second month of the job (read this, 4 weeks in, in other words, I am too stupid for my own good to be left with this kind of responsibility).

Second call. Ah. Another level of ball game here. It is not first call, but being third call has gave me a glimpse of hell that is called 'first call'. First call is the right name. I get calls until my ears feel like bleeding. 'Doctor, I am referring a case from red zone....', 'Doctor, a patient collapse in ward 4....', 'Doctor, a patient LO, please come and settle the death certificates...', 'Doctor, 6 patients arrived, first case is....', 'Doctor, a few medications need MO to counter-sign', 'Doctor, can I double check regarding this patient's medications....', 'Doctor, the family of so-and-so wants to see you to ask about....', 'Doctor, can I get an opinion regarding....', 'Doctor, I cannot cannulate a patient and he needs an inotrope...', 'Doctor, a patient is getting angry and he insisted on AOR....', 'Doctor....'.

You get what I mean. Calls and more calls, walking around the hospital from one end to another, top to bottom until I get blisters on my feet and I literally feel numb. Then, the next day I will be working as usual until 5pm, if I am lucky, if not, there are procedures to do before I can safely go home and find my bed. Or my floor. Whichever that is the closest.

Second call is special to me. It is scary in its own way that I have to do rounds alone and receive referrals from the other building. And ICU. That last part is the most terrifying. I used to follow my specialists and medical officers, typing down their opinions and plans. But now I am on the other side, writing or dictating a plan, which to be real honest here, most of the time I have none to offer. I am mostly stuck because the cases are usually complex that my brain just cannot synapse and make a good opinion and plan. Most of the time I have to call my specialists, yes, even at 2am in the morning. Thankfully all of them are nice enough to entertain my calls/texts and answer my questions. Making rounds post-call is another special brand of torture for me, considering I am almost burnt out from the day before, and my brain just cannot handle more difficult situations.

Boy oh boy I learned fast. I learn to put in chest tube, femoral lines, peritonal dialysis, IJC, intubate etc fast, knowing I am alone and these procedures can help people. And I have people depending on me to do it, and do it right. So far, I hope, I pray, I am doing this right. 

Anyhow, this is not a post to discourage new fledgling house officers, medical students nor medical officers. This is just my reality, which may seem different from others. Other people may not find things as difficult. It is not difficult per se. It is just...Tiring? I am not sure how to put this in word. I am often left feeling exhausted and unable to think straight by the end of my calls. End of calls, in other word, the next working day before I can finally go home.

Currently, I am content of where I am. I have made mistakes, some are more serious than others (another story for another day). I have days when I feel like walking out and walking away for good. I have days that I feel like I have made some small difference. I have days like today when a student nurse told me I look like 'Farah Fauzana' whoever that is (but that made me feel good because she was smiling and I assumed it does not mean that I look like a troll), or a few weeks ago a patient's family said I look beautiful as I was always smiling every morning when I am conducting my rounds (I have my good days when I came with a smile), or when my ward nurse said 'you looked especially pretty today in that dress'. Mind you, it sounds so shallow, but I take all praises that come my way to brighten my days.

At this junction of my life, if I compare my life with most of my contemporary, I am way far behind. Depending on how you see my life, how I see my life and what I want from my life, I lack a lot of things.

I do not have a husband/child of my own.

I do not own a house.

I have my student loans and debts to settle.

I do not have enough savings.

I do not give enough to my family.

I do not travel enough to feed my soul.

I do not own my Masters degree (or any sort of MR--, be it MRCP, MRCS any MR--)

But I am thankful. I have my parents and siblings. I have a car to get me around. I have my job to pay my needs and loans. I am safe. And I have my life. And to be honest, I am happy for everything that makes me happy. Like a new perfume, a new drama, a new dress, a new lipstick, a new dish/place to try.

For that. I am still thankful.

This journey is still, hopefully, long for me. 3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years and how many years down the way, I will go back and read this and find funny things that I have said way back then.