Jay Chou - Nocturne (Ye Qu)

I've always loved this song. Still do. Just now, Gegel was asking me about this song as she's forgotten the title. I never failed to tear up every time I hear this song or watch the mv. It's very beautiful and melancholic.

An Eulogy, A Lesson For The Living

Yesterday marked the end of a very sad life. I was debating hard on whether to share this and in the end, the need to write won. My maternal aunt just passed away yesterday afternoon in Hospital Selayang due to septicemic shock secondary to left lower limb necrotizing fasciitis. It was a slow, and I would imagine, painful death. To tell you the truth, she asked for it. Literally. She wanted, indeed, welcomed death. She had repeatedly mentioned about this, of giving up life. To her, her life is too full of disappointment, that nothing else that my grandmother and my other aunties and uncles do help. Life is just too painful. Death is an easy way out.

In a way, I am greatly relieved, for her and for my Mama and Nenek (grandmother). They cried so many tears over my Aunt, Mak Lang. So many bitter painful tears. To Mama and Nenek, she was never out of their prayers. At the same time, I am angry, angry at her husband's family, and angry at Mak Lang who gave up life so easily. There is always something to look forward to. Something you'll never know may happen in the future. Maybe a future grandchild, you'll never know. Mak Lang (my deceased aunt) was just too young to give in. She was 48 when she passed away. Too young.

In a way, life had given her many blessings. She was born very pretty, in fact, the most beautiful amongst her siblings. And that is to say, she was indeed very beautiful as my mother is still very youthful looking and very beautiful at her age (imagine my mother having me in her mid-20s and count my age, you'll know how old my Mama is). She was very fair and very vivacious, according to Mama. The thing is, all of this story is a second-hand knowledge, passed from Mama, Nenek and my various Aunties. I didn't know Mak Lang personally or all that well, sad to say.

I only saw her frequently, during Hari Raya (Eid Mubarak) and factor in the years I hadn't managed to celebrate the Eid with my family (around 5 years), so I could say I hadn't seen Mak Lang for about that amount of time. Mama refused to speak of Mak Lang most of the time. I understand. Mak Lang was a sore spot for Mama. Mama is like the head of her family. She worked hard to help her siblings to get proper education and keep them together as a family and Mak Lang was the one who failed to understand Mama's love and sacrifice.

The beginning to an end started when Mak Lang was 17 years old. My maternal granfather just passed away (I think Mama was 18 years old back then, just finishing her SPM, a national schooling exam). If I'm not mistaken, my grandfather just passed away less than a month before Mak Lang insisted that she wanted to get married to her tuition teacher, my 'estimable' (and I meant it in the 'nicest' way possible) uncle-in-law. He's a natural born lecher with perchance of anything that walks with a skirt. He's disgusting-looking (believe me, I saw him the first time in life and I see nothing that could attract any reasonable woman, unless she's blind and an idiot, like my aunt, his second and future third wife, the slut), he's stupid, boorish, lazy and uneducated. Basically, he's the ideal bottom barrel man. He was also the one insisted to get married, as soon as humanly possible. My Nenek kept on saying that she was too young, too immature, she lacked the knowledge to start a family. She wanted Mak Lang to at least finish her high school education, which she never did.

My Nenek and Mama, in deep grief over my grandfather, with the advise of various older family members, allow her to get married due to her stubbornness and insistence. As I said, that was the beginning of an end. Her married life didn't start off auspiciously. I am a great believer in karma. What goes around will come around. I am also a great believer in blessings. Especially blessings from your parents who gave you your life. My grandmother intensely disliked my uncle-in-law from the first sight. She had her reasons, my grandmother. She is very wise, I've learned to listen when she speaks, rare as it is. My uncle-in-law comes from a bad stock. A family that is all that you don't want to be. While we cannot tar a person of the same brush, in this case, and in any case actually (I learned Psychology for 3 years, believe me, I've seen aplenty of truth in this), family history may help predict a person's personality and actions.

My uncle-in-law, his name is Burhan/Borhan/Burhannuding/whatever-shithead-name-that-is, turned out to be irresponsible, abusive womanizer. He never actually took care of my aunty. For his convenience, he deposited my aunty into a mental institution (I believe he drove her to the brink with his physical abuse). He also physically and mentally abuse my aunty. It was so bad that she was hospitalized repeatedly. My grandmother and Mama were so incensed and fed-up with the constant abuse, decided to 'take back' my aunty (the first time she was abused and hospitalized, actually) and lodged a police report. Sadly, my aunty, so used to the abuse (she actually never told her family before the hospitalization, even when Mama suspected) and brain-washed by it, refused to persecute and cancelled the police report. She even went back to the cork-brained husband.

Mama was so saddened, she said this to her idiotic bastard of brother-in-law, "We gave her to you in the best condition, so if you don't want her, please return her in the same condition, in peace. We can take care of her.". And that bastard, his arrogant answer was, "She is my responsibility. Back off.".

Mama took him to his words, she backed off, forever. She never again wanted to know and care. In turn, he abused my aunty repeatedly until late last year, she was in a critical condition due to him punching her so hard in the chest. He also rarely visited her at her home (this bastard has another slut of a wife and now is planning to marry another soon, he even brought his slut to her funeral, can you imagine? And this slut, never learning manners and discretion, introduced herself to my Mama's side of family, claiming that she's his 'high school friend'. They were seen giggling and whispering together all throughout the funeral) and rarely even supply her with necessities such as money and food. When she was pregnant twice, he returned her to my Nenek's house to be taken care of and took her back months after she gave birth. He never visited. He also took her second-born child, my cousin, a girl about my age to give to his sister (another bitch who hides under the umbrella of piety) who was unable to conceive. My aunty tried to get her back, but she was unsuccessful and lodged into a psychiatric institution. The list is just too long for me to enumerate his stupidity, shortcomings and idiotic actions, even up to my aunty's final hospitalization and funeral.

I think, yesterday's funeral is the end of a life that was full of drama and heartache. One thing I feel really really sorry for, is the fact that even when Mama and Nenek kept on saying that they accept this fate (redha) and they forgave my aunty, I think, in the deepest recesses of their hearts, they missed her a lot. They may feel that they could have done more to help her. That they could have loved her more. That they missed so many hints and lost opportunities, they are now so full of regrets. Even if I do tell Mama and Nenek that nothing they do would actually make any difference, I know, they still felt that they should have done more.

I learned that life, with God's guidance and blessings, is full of choices. Once you reach maturity, you have the full faculties to make a wise choice. If and when you are wrong, one should learn from it and try to do better. Life is all about that, trying. There is absolutely no guarantee that our life will always be peaceful and prosperous, no matter how careful we are. We walk, we run, we fall, we get up again and walk. I've also learned about forgiveness, of letting go. Holding on can be more painful for everyone. Letting go may our only option.

Life is also about memories. Physically, one may have left this world, but one's memories will always be alive, if we choose so. I've also learned more about myself. How I could hold a grudge like a miser holding a penny. I cannot let go. I know it is awful to be so outspoken and to me, that's who I am, I have a strong personality. Take me, or leave me. I can be the rudest bitch on earth, but I would say, one thing for me is I also possess a heart. Which something I cannot say about that bastard of uncle-in-law, may he rest in peace. Did I say that he died? Well, cockroaches never die, don't they? They have millions of lives.

To Mak Lang, I know this is too late, I am sorry for never knowing you. I do love you as one would naturally love a family member. You would eternally be missed. May you rest in peace.

With love,

Your niece, Nana and family.

Seduction

I know this should wait for another day when I'm not sleepy and tired but I have to write this before I forgot. I love Elianto's perfumes. I know it's not a well-known brand (in fact it's a local Malaysian brand and it's relatively new. I think. It's less than 10 years old). However, the perfumes are so good. These perfumes are not cheap imitation of other well-known perfumes as they don't stink after about 2 hours of wear and believe me, they last really really long (my clothes and I myself still smell of the perfume at the end of the day).

I bought Seduction. It's an eau de toilette, but I'm impressed by the smell. So impressed that I couldn't stop thinking about it. About how it smells so familiar. Like a perfume I've used before, and believe me, I've been through a whole bunch. I've been thinking on and on, and bam, it came to me. It smells exactly like Ralph by Ralph Lauren perfume. You know, the one with the clear and sky blue bottle. The other perfume (I don't remember the name) that smells distinctly of freshly crunched apples are the exact copy of DKNY's Be Delicious, which let me say, I love so much but I've never had the chance to acquire a bottle for myself (and for the fact that a lot of people I know use this perfume :(. Be Delicious, I mean, not the Elianto perfume, since I don't know anyone who uses their perfumes ).

I'm not crying foul at Elianto. In fact, I love their perfumes. They are great perfumes, as mentioned before. So great, I'm writing something about it :)

P/S: Fooled you with the title, didn't I ;P

Bridezilla, Not Mom-Zilla

I'm not taking sides since it's not my problem and I don't even know the whole truth (story). However, I can kind of feel for the future-mom-in-law. I know people are calling her mom-zilla etc but her e-mail is not actually rude, wording-wise. I've seen worse, hey, I've said worse than that. She's just a pissed off mother of the house, and truthfully, I would be extra pissed if my guest (it doesn't matter if it's family or friends or strangers) wake up late, picky about his/her food (I would actually have the courtesy to ask, so don't say it before I ask, you know the rules. If you are brought up by a proper set of parents, not monkeys), spend more than what she gives and so on.

The future bride should have some sort of basic courtesy, if not manners. You are becoming one of the family, so act nice and responsible. Making the private e-mail, that should stay private (and confidential, mind you. Do you want your own private e-mails to be shared with 100s of people you don't know. You know it's going to come back and bite you in the ass, you bitch), viral is not endearing you to anyone, even to your husband-to-be (especially him). So, what do you guys think? Here's the story:

from: Carolyn Bourne
to: heidi withers
subject: your lack of manners

Here are a few examples of your lack of manners:

When you are a guest in another's house, you do not declare what you will and will not eat - unless you are positively allergic to something.

You do not remark that you do not have enough food.

You do not start before everyone else.

You do not take additional helpings without being invited to by your host.

When a guest in another's house, you do not lie in bed until late morning in households that rise early - you fall in line with house norms.

You should never ever insult the family you are about to join at any time and most definitely not in public. I gather you passed this off as a joke but the reaction in the pub was one of shock, not laughter.

You regularly draw attention to yourself. Perhaps you should ask yourself why. No one gets married in a castle unless they own it. It is brash, celebrity style behaviour.

I understand your parents are unable to contribute very much towards the cost of your wedding. (There is nothing wrong with that except that convention is such that one might presume they would have saved over the years for their daughters' marriages.)

If this is the case, it would be most ladylike and gracious to lower your sights and have a modest wedding as befits both your incomes.

One could be accused of thinking that Heidi Withers must be patting herself on the back for having caught a most eligible young man. I pity Freddie.

Taken from: Shine from Yahoo.

P/S: Mom-in-law, you go girl!!!

Weddings And Marriages

Lately, being at the right age at the right time at the right economic status (I am excluded from this group from all angles other than age), my fellow friends from high school, college and uni (previous one) are lining up their invitations to their weddings. I want to go on and on and on on this topic. However, I'll summarize the topic of weddings and marriages into 3 short sentences:

1. I'm happy for my friends and family. CONGRATULATIONS!!!
2. 'Right time and economic status', is a line I wrote in my head that is not even close to reality.
3. I'm pathetic.

Internet

Yay, double yay, triple yay, super yay, mother-of-all-yays!!!!! We finally have a home broadband installed!!! It's superfast and it's unlimited (at least until the end of this coming August T_T). I'm happy, so now I have to summon all my willpower and discipline to limit my internet use and not to abuse this gift from Baba :) I will use it wisely Ba (or at least without super-abusing it).

Anyway, one thing to note about the application and installation process is how anal retentive I am. Yes, anal. I asked millions of questions, repeating the questions over and over again in various different ways (re-phrase, anyone?) before I let Baba commit to Maxis (yes, we are one of the few early birds who subscribe to Maxis instead of TM's Unifi, that's another story for another post). Then, I kept on calling Mama to ask about the progress of the installation (I wasn't there physically, but hey, I'm there sprititually!). I even talked to the person who came to install our fibre-optic line like more than once.

Anyhow, I learned from experience that I cannot let go of things and I have to handle everything. Delegation is a foreign word to me (hey, I did learn about it, I just don't practice it often). At least when it comes to things I really enjoy and love. Homework and assignments, not so much. Second thing to note is this:

No matter how many pictures I took, it never fails to amaze me. There's only one word to describe this: MESS. Yes, I came to conclusion that it's a jumble of mess of gadgets of only nerds-know-what. Why, dear Maxis, why do you have to use more than one modem or whatsthemathingie for our home broadband? Why do you have to have so many electrical wires (while I do understand the need, can't you be more, uhm tidier than this?)? Please please please the great engineers of this whole wide world and Maxis (specifically Maxis), please adopt a tidier way of installing home broadbands. Please? And why do you even use a TM's gobsmackiethingie? I know you rent your line from TM (or something akin to that), but hey, at least try to paste some other signs on that huge-smack-me-in-the-face TM insignia.

Thank you.

Just Like A Melancholic Movie

I love this song. I've been playing this song over and over again these last few days. I don't care how 'pop' this song is, I love it :)

Doraemon

When I was small, I loved to watch Doraemon. I bought the whole Doraemon's manga series. I even have multiple copies of the same book. They are all gone now, gone with the wind (seriously, I just misplaced them as what a careless child that I am would do). Anyway, the main point here is, I had always believed, secretly, that Doraemon exists. Back then. Adult that I am now, I do realise that Doraemon never exists. Unless....

Anyway, Doraemon has always been my secret hero until I was about 8 or 9. I believed that one day, if I fervently wished for it, I would be granted with my own Doraemon. Of course, when I do have my own Doraemon, I would name him 'Doraemon'. What else should I call him? My Doraemon would grant me all of my wishes. The main thing that I really really want from Doraemon (still do, if only Doraemon or something like that actually exists) is the magic door. Do you remember the magic door? The door that can lead you to anywhere you wish for? Yes, that door.

I'd love to be able to arrive to class on time without the hassle of travelling and all the walking to my exact destination. Travelling all over the world would not be near impossible due to the money and time constraints (money, mostly). I can be at Egypt this friday evening and still be able to be back on saturday for my favourite drama on tv. I can be in Tokyo and find more Doraemons for my whole family.

Anyway, if wishes were pennies, I'd be super-stinking rich by now :) Doraemon never exist but the thing is, I've never forgotten him. He's super-duper cool and he's one of the last links to my childhood that I hope to never lose. He reminds me of innocence, dreams and wishes.

Short (More Like Long) News

Short post for news:

1. 2PM has just released their new album 'Hands Up'. Why is it worth a mention at numero uno. Just simply because I can. I love 2PM and I like their new album. I've bought 3 of their songs (legally. Is there any other way? Wait, don't answer that) and I'm waiting for God of Money to bestow me some richness so I can waste my life and become indolent. No, I'm thinking of ways to sell a section of my liver to pay my day-to-day expenses, school fees and yes, to buy the physical copy of 2PM new album. So, give 2PM's Hands Up a try. I love it, so it's compulsory for you to love it too. Because I say so.
2. Dora came back for her short break a few weeks ago. YAY! I managed to meet her twice. I was really happy to see her. We went for karaoke and drinks (yes, the alcoholic variety, you how I love my whiskey sour, hohoho). I missed the chance to see her one last time before she went back as we lost our way to Seoul Garden IOI Puchong. So, I feel bad. However, I'm still happy that I got to see her, even if our gossip time was so limited. Now I can't wait until Yaya comes back for her elective :)
3. 3rd block is pure torture. I love what I'm studying, but God help me, it's too much for too little time. I know I have to be diligent and study hard, but seriously, it's just too many things to read and memorize. It's like a never ending number of sand by the sea.
4. I finally, finally , finally, finally, have my driving license. Driving skills are still sketchy at best, but hey, I'm trying! It's like discovering that I have wings to fly. Well, at least a way to travel other than public transportation and walking :)
5. Jaja succeeded in gaining her MSc in Mathematics! Chuka-hamnida Jaja!!!! Life is going great for you. Many blessings in the future for you, that's my prayer! And I hope your PhD is going to start as soon as humanly possible :)
6. Baba finally subscribes to fibre optic internet (= superfast broaband, in layman's term :P) for our home. From this upcoming Thursday until October, we have access to unlimited data. That means, internet abuse. That equals to time-awasting. Hohoho.
7. Baba also finally upgraded his mobile phone to Samsung Galaxy Ace. Why not iPhone4 or BB you said? Because I chose so. Because I like it. Because there are just too many human beings that use those 2 types of mobile phones, and frankly, I've never been the trendy type. So, baba has to get used to a touch screen mobile phone I've chosen for him.
8. There was a water cut scare a few days ago. It was a scare, in other words, our home is not affected. Why I'm sharing this? It's because I don't want to stop at 7.
9. THE END. How much longer do you expect me to write?

P/S: Dora's male cousin is just so cute. He's nice too, he sent me home, right to my front door :)

What I've Been Up To These Hot Humid Days

It's been a while. Wait. I think this has become a habit for me. To start off mysteriously with 'It's been a while'. As if I'm about to continue with a great epic news. Anyway, it's true, it's been quite a while for me. I'm not dead, I'm not sick, I'm not depressed (in case if you are wondering, 'depressed' seems to deserve it's own mention, even if it is coming under the heading 'sick') and I'm not giving up on blogging for no one to read. Real life is just too busy. I wake up at 5.45am (or 6-6.30am, depending. On my lazy-O-meter, I mean) and I get ready to leave for school. I will arrive at approximately 7.50am, just in time before class starts, so no internet for the wicked. Class will go on and on until 4.30pm (or 5pm. Again, depending. No, not on me this time, life starts and ends at school, apparently. According to Prof. Viji). Arriving at home approximately at 5pm (to 6.30pm max).

By the time I reach my home's front door, I'm too tired to do anything else other than eating dinner and watch tv, like a couch potato that I am. Then, it's further-lazy time until I sleep. The cycle continues. Wait, why the heck is this crazy lady poring on and on about her day? It's because I'm reaching to my conclusion here. Wait for it, wait for it. Which is: I have no time, even if I do have the will, to write something even reasonably logical. Lately, I've found religion. No. Not really. I found life I've lived before is becoming irrelevant to life I'm living now.

The reason is simple. I cannot live like I did before. Maybe, just maybe (more like most probably), that's the main reason of my downfall. I've taken the easy path and look where it has gotten me. Now, my life consists of self-reflection (when I feel like it), study, some form of entertainment I allow myself (before I really actually go haywire), and yes, a few stolen moments with my best friend, Put. Urgh, the latter just sounded so wrong somehow. Let's just not expound on that.

Anyway, I am brimming with ideas, and I think today is the lucky day (lucky for whom, that's the question of the day ;) ) when I'm feeling generous enough to share. And due to the fact that I finally have access to internet (stolen from Baba, what else). So, brace yourself dear readers (failed mimicry of some sort of 18th and 19th centuries writer's address to his/her readers) for some explosive readings! You know it's going to be explosive, so pardon my language. I have already turned into a potty-mouth, and I'm incurable.