Thank You

By today, I have depended and is still depending on a lot of people to go on...Life is difficult for me right now...I know 99% of these difficulties can be blamed on me...I am still learning and still is making a lot of huge mistakes...But as someone close to me said 'this is not the end, there is more difficult things ahead'...I know this...But still, now this is the most difficult thing I have to face...

I am very thankful I am stronger than before...I have faith, I don't feel useless (I do but I am trying hard not to think that way)...In the future, all these can be written as part of my memoir (I am pretty sure no one cares, but who cares?!!!...It's my life, my story, no matter how stinky or uneventful it is)...

Anyway, I have been given endless chances by Allah SWT and other people...I will never be forgetful...However, I want to take this time and chance, while I am still standing here, breathing on this merciful earth to be thankful...I am thankful to ever merciful Allah SWT...I am thankful for my life, no matter how horrible I made it...

• I am thankful to my ever forgiving and loving mama and baba...I will keep this moment in my time and I promise I will give my all to give this all back...
• I am thankful to my sister Jaja, who always listen and who is always the voice of strength and practicality...
• I am thankful to my other siblings Gegel, Alin and Aboy, who always pick up the phone to listen to my ramblings and make me feel good when I feel really down...
• I am thankful to Nenek Maridah, who loves me...I love you so much Nenek...I am sorry I am such a bad granddaughter...
• I am thankful to Nia, whom I tell everything, who force me to face this, whom I really love...
• I am thankful to Dora, who is always kind while I am definitely not and who always find something good to look for...
• I am thankful to Fazan, who is the voice of reason, who help me see things clearly...
• I am thankful to Yaya, who dispenses hugs all around and promises me a spot as her bridesmaid even I am such a horrible friend...
• I am thankful to Rachel, who always cheers me up with her sense of humour and generosity...
• I am thankful to Joyce, who takes care of me when I am in need...
• I am thankful to Evie, who gives and gives and always make time for me...
• I am thankful to all the nice people who make me smile or pave my way for me...I love all of you, and thank you for always forgiving me...

I am not perfect...I will always alway make mistakes...For that, I am sorry...No matter what, I will love all of you...

Happiness

Dora asked me a few days ago of characteristics of my ideal man...Coming from someone who has never have even a real crush, never mind a boyfriend, I am quite free with my ideals...They are foolish and yes, very ideal...I listed lots of characteristics...Somehow, all of these characteristics wind up to describing fidelity, responsibility and honesty...

I just realize one thing that I should really really want in a man, happiness...He should promise me happiness...I know it's too vague and impossible, but ideally, my man should want my happiness above all else...He should want to strive to give me everlasting happiness...Why else I want to be with him when happiness is so elusive lately?

at this moment

i'm so caught up in life, it's not even funny :(

vampires

did i tell u how vampires are racist? let me quote that:

'vampires are racist'

~Miss Hazlin H (last name preserved for anonymity)

here and now

my life now officially enters a new low...i am so bored out of my skull, i read and watch really random stupendous things online...yes, yes i know, i should exercise and go out instead...but i am a) officially in broke-dom, thus, heavily dependent on credit and my friends' charity b) a lazy cow who moo whenever she has to move one measly muscle c) did i say i overextend, credit-wise?...

anyway, even the internet fails to entice me out of boredom, so here i am blogging about boredom...isn't it fun?...life is full of little mysteries....

wish list II

my sleeping schedule is unstable right now, so i'm doing multiple posts...anyway, these are in my wish list right now:

1. polaroid camera...the cute one with all the bells and whistles (cute covers and so on)
2. 12MP digital camera...is the highest resolution still 12MP?...anyway, the one with the highest resolution with the biggest memory or extended memory...
3. digital slr camera...coz they capture the most wicked pictures ever...
4. camcoder...coz i love videos and i have this dream of posting crazy videos on youtube and become notorious, rich and famous (which i will never ever do, but a girl can dream)...
5. ipod touch...i don't know why...
6. these cute little buggers called earphones that i saw at Dick & Smith downtown...
7. these really really really really really beautiful shoes i just saw at Pulp on queen street yesterday...they are so darned breath-taking...
8. bigger internet plan at smaller price/fee
9. more money (who doesn't?)
10. more time (but i will still procrastinate, so why bother?)
11. happiness (as a wise man said 'it all depends on you')

sheep

for some reason, i found sheeps extremely fascinating at the moment...i don't know why...they smell, they acted stupid (no offense sheep, i am stupid too) and they are sooo not cute in real life (as compared to the plush toys)...but they are compelling for some reason...hmm...

in my dream, i can speak 142 languages (i wish!)

if there is one weird thing in my life right now, right at this moment (well, my life is full of weirdness, let's just say i live in weirdom), it's comments that i don't understand...let me explain that...i don't speak chinese...the things i know about the language can be fit on my smallest fingertip...that means, i understand almost nothing...well, i do know how to say 'how are you?' (ni hao) or 'thank you' (xie xie) or 'where are you?' (ni xu na li) or 'stupid' (pentan) (funny that people almost always teach you the curse words first from any others) and some other random stuff i picked up from songs, dramas, movies and friends...but that's just it...i still CANNOT speak or read it...

anyhow, lately i found it weird that i start getting comments in chinese...it's not offensive (courtesy of google translate, at least the meanings of the comments sounded inoffensive from the only source of translation i have at the moment)...it's not rude...it's not bad or anything...just weird...i wonder where i get all these chinese readers from...guys, if u read this post, i don't mean to be mean or offensive (gah!that word again!) or bad or anything...i just found it mysterious that i have readers whom i don't know!...hahahaha...here i thought i write random stuff that is not read by anybody but me (and some handful of friends and family)...

anyway, if u guys do read this, i would really really appreciate if u comment in english so i can reply :) ...it's fun to read comments!...i am really excited, like really crazy excited, when i see there is some sort of reaction to what i write...xie xie (did i get this right?)!!!

............

gosh...can't believe i'm 'kampung'...still am...hohoho...

kampung

there is this special species of human in this world...they usually exist in small communities such as rural areas, small towns and villages...at least that's how the term came about...in malay they are called 'kampung' or a direct translation 'village'...a good way to describe this species called 'kampung' are people who get emotional very easily, who are always envious of everyone, who blame on everyone except, yes of course, themselves and gossiping busybodies who talk about everyone's skeletons excepting, of course, theirs...there are a slew of other descriptions of these kind of people but the previous descriptions are more than apt...

anyway, i despise those who have a 'kampung' mentality and act like one...it's not because they are from rural areas...noooo...most of them are even born and bred city people!...it's more likely because the harm people, intentionally or not...and they don't know how to keep their mouths shut at appropriate times...and because they never realize that all humans make mistakes and have weaknesses...and they also will never ever realize to look closer to home, that we ourselves share equal blame of most things that happen in our miserable lives, unless it's shoved down their throats...

my extended family is full of this species...i'm not going to name names but suffice to say, they are full of envious vipers who have 'kampung' mentality, no matter how high their educations are or how full of '000000 there are in their bank accounts...basically, they are miserable low-lives who care only about themselves and acted 'kampung'...i am always full of anger when it comes to the topic of my extended family....somehow, i have become one of them...becoming one of the ones with 'kampung' mentality...i had raised my voice in anger when talking to them...i had casted blames...

well, i am making a new resolution...no more 'kampung' mentality...i am shaming myself that way and somehow, since these 'kampung' people never even realize how full of hatred i am, i am frustrating myself further...i better use my sisters strategy, indifference...indifference is worse than hate...wait...i'm too rash for that...maybe i should change my strategy to 'bitch strategy'...will update u guys on that soon!!!!...hahahaha!

p/s: harley, that is a stroke of genius!!!!bitchy indeed!