Death.

I have always seen patients at the end of their lives at the hospital.

I have never seen the 'after'. Aftermath. How the grieving family deals with it. How the funeral is. What is after.

The end is final. Sometimes we can already guess. My daily job is to break bad news. Every day, there is always at least 1 bad news.

Your family member is dying.

He/she may most possibly not survive.

No matter how they beg me to help, I am helpless.

I am not God. I am not the answer to your hopes and prayers. I am trying as best as I can.

The is always a limit to what we, at the hospital, can do for your loved ones.

We are not heartless. The end is always final. It is always sad. No matter how hard we try to prolong it, no matter how we try to ease the end, it always comes.

Death is a promise. It is one thing that is one truth we have to understand and embrace. Young or old.

It is not that I do not want to see the aftermath. I just cannot. I have to move on. If you see the same thing I do, day in and day out, if we do not develop a mechanism to make it bearable, we will not survive. So we survive. Each in our own way.

If you see us discussing deaths so cavalierly, it is not that we do not have any empathy nor we disregard any life. No. We just have to make it as it is. For us to function.

But trust me, there are days some faces haunted us. Some stories. Some family members. Some words. Some little things like a smile, a hand who held yours, a touch, a word. We will live with that. We have to.

Flan/Caramel Pudding/Cream Caramel/Whatever-You-Want-To-Call-It Recipe

This recipe is adapted from myriad of online recipes I found. Reasons are, well, I don't like my dessert to sweet (it is still TOO sweet, as you will see from the amount of sugar) and I don't like eggs. Period. I adapt it to suit my needs and what I have but hey, it works.

Photography is not my forte, so alas, enjoy the lopsidedness of this picture. Please do ignore the little bubbles, as I am impartial to imperfections. It still tastes divine, bubbles or not.

This recipe will amount to 3 normal sized mugs. I used mugs as I don't have the equipment for baking (I need to pans for the boiling hot water, which I do not have) and I don't have a steamer. I used my housemate's rice cooker (she has the family-sized one, I have the small one, so to fit 3 mugs, I used her).

Serving: 3 persons (very generous portion)

Preparation:

1. 3 mugs (normal sized, as in ones you can generally get anywhere, even from RM 2 shops) 

2. Boil your water in the rice cooker (generally we put about 1/4 height of our mugs of water)

Ingredients:

Caramel sugar syrup 

• 3/4 cups of white sugar (120g) - equals to 1/4 cup (40g) of sugar per mug
• 3/8 cups of water (60mL) - equals to 1/8 cup (20mL) of water per mug
• 3/8 cups of boiling water (60mL) - equals to 1/8 cup (20mL) of boiling water per mug (this is used at the end, when your sugar caramel mixture turned golden brown)

Pudding

• 5 medium to large sized eggs (I used grade B eggs)
• 600mL milk - equals to 200mL per mug, if you like more, you can add more milk. 200mL is sufficient per mug
• 1/2 to 3/4 cups of sugar - I prefer 1/2 cup (I actually add another 1/8 cup to my 1/2 cup, as I am making this for my housemates too, not just for me), usual recipe calls for 3/4 (1/4 cup for each mug), follow your own preference 
• Splash of vanilla - to mask the eggy smell

Instruction:

1. Put 3/4 cups of white sugar and 3/8 cups of water together on a pan and boil it on low to medium heat, I used low heat to control the browning of my caramel sauce
2. At the same time, boil 3/8 cups of water
3. Once your sugar and water mixture turns golden brown, swish it around to even the colour to get the maple syrupy colour you want and turn off the heat
4. Pour the 3/8 cups of boiling water onto your hot caramel syrup mixture, close the lid of your pand and swish it around so that your syrup is less sticky - this is important as your syrup mixture will become stickier and hardened fast, this boiling water step is to prolong the period before your syrup becomes sticky and hard to pour
5. Pour the hot caramel sauce into 3 separate mugs in equal doses, well, as equally as possible, if you can
6. Then mix your pudding ingredient together until well combined, I whisk the eggs first to break the yolk before adding sugar and milk
7. Sift your pudding mixture to remove any lumps onto your 3 separate mugs
8. Cover each of the mug with foil (and I used rubber band to make the foil snug) and put the mugs into your boiling water in the rice cooker. You can substitute rice cooker with an oven or pan, as long as your pan is deep enough for boiling water to reach about 1/4th the height of your mugs. You need this water bath to cook your pudding evenly. If you use a pan (on your stove), put the heat into low to medium heat
9. I cook my caramel for 10-15 minutes, until the middle part is jiggly (not runny/watery, but jiggly as in almost solid), then turn of the heat and let the pudding steam for another 15 minutes
10. The cool the mug on room air for 1-2 hours and then put the mug in the fridge for at least 6 hours
11. Then, reveal time! Put a knife at the edge of the pudding and put the mug upside down onto a shallow dish and voila! Your flan is ready to be devoured, errrr, consumed!

Times Of COVID

While this MCO is not really MCO for me (other than not being able to go home to KL to see my family, business is as usual for me, as in my days are the usual), I have been doing things I haven't done or before.

I have started to cook again (ah, reminds me of the good old student days in New Zealand). Just because food it hard to come by, and takeout does not interest me anymore after eating the same thing over and over again.

I have started to be interested in plants. Yes, plants. It started with not being able to get my hands on curry leaves. Then it became another whole new interest after seeing Mardhati and Kalai's garden of herbs, spices, vegetables and plants.

Then, lastly, I got addicted to buying groceries and random household items. From RM2 shop, DIY shop, supermarkets and Shopee. Yes, I am doomed. So doomed.

One thing that is surely not budging, is my career. Exam is postponed, thus I am stuck where I am in this rut until I can move forward and sit for my exam. For now, this has to be in the back burner.

SHOPBACK!!! My Most Favourite Cashback Site!

My most favourite (MOST IN CAPITAL LETTER) online site EVER!

SHOPBACK!

I have earned RM250 so far just by clicking to favourite shopping sites like Shopee and Lazada via Shopback. It is seemless, easy and I earned cashback for SHOPPING! My favourite kind of hobby!

So, if you are interested, you can use my link below. That way, you can earn money, I can also earn money hehehehe. Mutual love y'all!

Click here for referral link *wink wink*

The Hair Care I Love!

Today is a great day.

I will be talking about my daily hair care.

I actually am not a really high maintenance/fussy person in terms of my hair care/skincare. I use cheap drugstore products which I usually purchase when they are on sale.

Lets start with the background story. I don't have luscious hair like those TV hair models. I have fairly black (like most Asians do) hair which is prone to hair fall. In fact, I have severe case of hair fall. I have yet to have any bald spots, but I can collect my hair in a week and probably make a wig out of it. It is not too dry nor not too oily. I do not have any scalp issues.

So, moving on. I have been using these products for a few months now. I think I am nearing my hair products anniversary now. Other than the deep conditioner (the blue opened packet here), I have used this brand of hair care for a few months.

I have used Good Virtues Co shampoo, conditioner and hair serum. While I use the shampoo and conditioner regularly, I have to admit to being lazy and use the serum probably 4-5 times a week instead of after each hair cleansing.

This brand is not something spectacular, my hair does not become beautifully luscious nor the hair fall reduces but 4 things I truly can recommend:
1. The packaging is ABSOLUTELY gorgeous. It's colourful and beautiful. I am a sucker for beautiful things.
2. The price is great. On sale in Watson, I can easily get it for half the shelf price.
3. The smell is HEAVENLY. I love the smell. My hair smells so yummy after each wash.
4. The shampoo and conditioner have this cooling effect on my scalp that I love every time I use them. It is probably menthol or some sort, but I love it. My scalp feels tingly and as if air conditioner is blowing on it.

Now, the star of the day. The deep conditioner.

It is recommended by my housemate a few weeks ago. She loves it and in view of it being on sale (as usual, my motivation is heavily relied on discounts and sales), I bought a few sachets from Guardian. I think the price point is RM15+ per sachet, but I got it for RM8.

Each sachet lasts for 3-4 wash, depending on your hair volume. The less hair you have (shorter and thinner hair), the longer this can last. This super awesome product is super easy to use, just slather it all over your hair after a wash with your regular shampoo and leave it for around 10 minutes. Then rinse. I use it once a week.

What I get is super beautiful luscious hair that: lasts for a few days. It smells super beautiful too (notice I use 'beautiful' multiple times here).

The downside of this product is:
1. It is expensive for 3-4 washings. Come on, it is RM15 per sachet, which is equal to ~RM4-5 per wash.
2. Its packaging. It is like our instant noodle sauce. It can easily spill or get contaminated or dry out in between use.

I have yet to find a product that is good for hair fall. I know our diet is an important factor for hair fall control, but I need a range of hair product that is good for my hair. For now, these 4 is doing okay for my hair. I still love the deep conditioner. It is super nice.

Bargain Hunting 101: Buy When It Is Cheap

Those who know me, know I am a shark at heart. A shark at bargain hunting (har-har, not funny, I know, I am  lame that way).

Anyway, I bought MOST of my stuff at bargain price, which means, they are usually sold at discounted price.

Yesterday, I went to a mall close to my home and bought 4 pairs of shoes, all at discounted price.

These are my new darlings:

Pretty gray velveteen sandals with gray bow and circular details on top

RM 19

Similar to ones on top, except it is in baby-blue

RM19

Baby pink velveteen sandals with pink bows

RM9

Shiny dark blue-purple sandals

RM19 

Original price for each pair of shoes is RM75. I am happy for these as I need shoes for work as my shoes are both spoiled (I've used both of them for 8 months, now it is time to say sayonara, thank you, next ones please ala Marie Kondo).

I would rather all my shoes to be RM9, alas, size is my limitation. My perfect fit for Vincci is size 8, but I compromised and got 2 in size 9.

For those who are new at bargain hunting and would like to dip their toes in it, Vincci is one of the perfect brand for bargain hunters. 

Every now and then, they would put their old stock at the side and sell the shoes for RM9 or RM19, I usually buy my shoes at those prices, since I am not really into new latest fashion trends. Lookout for those racks. They are usually snapped up really fast. I make it a habit to check the side racks for cheap stuff if I am in the mood for new shoes. I actually need these new shoes for work. All of them are less than RM100, and Vincci is actually a good local brand which items are in great condition and good quality. They usually last me at least 1 year, some even stretch up to 2-3 years. Great value considering I usually buy them at discounted price of RM9-19 per pair.

So, go and check your local Vincci/Padini stores!

My New Darling Find: Joyful Eye Shadow Palatte!

I am truly excited for this new palatte!

As everyone who knows me, I am a total newbie when it comes to skincare and makeup. This Chinese New Year brought a LOT of discounts and sales and as usual, it becomes my particular favourite time of the year.

I went to Watsons and bought a lot of my daily care products.

Incidentally (not really, I was totally my fault for testing this), I went to test their makeup products on sale. I was not planning to get any eye shadow palatte since I have good one for smokey eyes (my go-to look) and I rarely use it anyway. But alas, there is time and place for everything. I went to test this no-name brand eye shadow palatte and fell in love. After a LONG deliberation, I just bought it. It was on sale and it was only RM25.35 anyway.

Disclaimer: I am not sure what is the brand. It may be a dupe for some brand I do not know of. But you can get this at Watsons and I believe it is a Watsons brand (no mention about it specifically).

Let's get into the nitty-gritty of it!

Price

Price point is GREAT! It is affordable for 12 colours, 8 in which are shimmery shades. RM25.35 after 30% discount, I believe. I would say this goes into the drugstore brand category. As opposed to high-end brand.

Packaging

It is a simple black boxed package. Smallish but it looks beautiful nonetheless. The lettering on the external box is in gold and adds the beauty of the whole package. The small package is great for travelling.

Inside

As per picture above. The eye shadow palatte are all mini-sized, but it is sufficient for me since I do not wear eye shadow often enough before they become stale and unusable. The eye shadow applicator is not my favourite but you can always use your fingers or your own brush. The colours are beautiful and cheerful. Gold, red, brown, plum and bronze in various shimmery shades.

Item

Now the star of it all! The eye shadows themselves!

Okay, I just swatched the shimmery colours. There are 8 shimmery colours with the shade of red, pink, plum, bronze, gold and brown. The middle swatch are also suitable for highlights, I think, they are so light and shiny. One thing I have to confess, these are not super pigmented. I have to do multiple swatch for them to come out like this. But a few colours really stood out. The dark brown bronze shade at the end, that is THE QUEEN of the palette. One swatch and it is BEAUTIFUL. The red at the other end, it is THE KING (get it, KING and QUEEN). I love the plum colour too, next to the red shade, but it has one of the poorest pigmentation out of the bunch (as poor as the light gold one, third from the end of brown). The palette is not too powdery, so fallout is minimal (it still has some fallout though).

I'd recommend this for beginners like me, who are dabbling into makeup and not keen to dive into the high end stuff yet.

Ratings

3/5 - Great for beginners like me. Something cheap but great looking. Not too bulky for travelling. Colourful enough for the cheerful look.

An Introduction To Bargain Hunting

I am a bargain hunter. I feel the most satisfaction from bargains and sales. I bought MOST of my stuff on discounted price. So, I rarely buy latest fashion/products. And since I am also a creature of habit, I buy most of my products over and over again.

For an example, I have used my body wash since ages ago. Since high school days. That is YEARS. It is the same with my facial wash.

So, I tend to buy my personal products during sales in bulk. I'd buy my shampoo, conditioner, body wash, facial wash, deodorant etc in bulk and at discounted price. Bulk as is usually more than 1. I would usually buy 2-3 the least at a time.

I get serious anxiety if I find my stock running to 1-2, so I tend to go into flurry of buying spree.

So, based on my annual accounting, I actually saved A LOT of money buying my essentials in bulk.

I'd advise the same for everyone. Buy your personal products during sales period in bulk, if you are a creature of habit like me, that is. I have saved more than hundreds of Ringgit this way. And on the plus side, I've never have the need to go into an emergency run for toothpaste or body wash whenever I ran out of them.

Maybe one day, I'd do a list of great bargain hunting places and webstores.

P/S: I don't know whether this advice is useful for those who use high end products eg SKII, Estee Lauder etc. Since I personally do not use these products *SHRUG*

Dobukki AKA Spicy Rice Cakes

Today both my Mama and Aunty asked the recipe for this dish when I posted it on Facebook. 

I have loved this snack ever since I tasted it. It is mildly spicy and a little bit sweet but delicious nonetheless.  

Yesterday, I was suddenly inspired to make it (aka 'forced' to make it by my housemate Fatin). And it is super duper easy~

Dobukki

Serving: 2-3 persons

Ingredients

• Rice cakes - A handful (you can put as much and as little as you want, I put about 2/3 of the frozen package or around 200g worth into mine today). I am too lazy to make it from scratch, I bought it frozen from a local specialty store in Batu Pahat. You can actually find this at a lot of supermarket these days, especially those with an isle dedicated especially for Korean food. If not, you can actually make it. It is quite easy, it is just a litttle bit time consuming if you want something fast. I bought mine for RM12 for 300g.
• Gochujang (spicy hot pepper paste) - 2/3 cup. Again this amount is quite versatile, if you want more sauce (like me), then put a bit more. To be honest, this sauce is not spicy. At all. It is mild in flavour. Again, this is widely available in our local supermarkets. I found mine at the same shop in Batu Pahat, but again, I also saw this in Aeon, Giant etc.
• Chilli powder - 2 tablespoons. This is mild to medium heat. I love spicy food, so usually I add more. Adjust according to your preference. More chilli power = spicier your dobukki will be,
• Anchovy stock - Actually, it is a kelp/anchovy stock, but I forgot to get kelp, thus I just use anchovies to make my stock. This is super important coz if you just add gochujang into boiling water, well, it is less tasty as using a base stock. You can substitute with any stock such as chicken, beef or vegetable stock. Koreans love their fish-based stock in a lot of their dishes and I love it too.
• Sugar - 1/2 tablespoon. I tried to not put sugar in any of my dishes, especially savory dishes, but the gochujang make the sauce taste a bit bitter without sugar, so I add a bit of sugar. You can substitute sugar with corn syrup. Maple syrup or honey have distinctive taste, so if you add those, beware that it can alter the taste of this dish.
• Spring onion - 2-3 stalks. The base with whitish part, you can chop it and put into the sauce while the leafy green can be used as garnish. 
• Fish cakes - I LOVE LOVE fish cakes. I put as many rice cakes as my fish cakes, that is how I love my fish cakes. For this part of the ingredient, you can substitute with basically anything, chicken/fish balls, sausages, any meat tbh. Fish cakes absorb the flavour of the sauce more, so I love to put fish cakes into mine.
• Water - 4 cups

Anchovy/Kelp Stock

1. Boil water with 10 anchovies and a small strip of dried kelp (around 5-10cm) for around 10 minutes, you can opt out the kelp if it is not available in hand (like how I did it today hahahaha)
2. Remove the anchovies and kelp from the stock

Instruction

1. Add rice cakes, gochujang, chilli powder, sugar into your boiling anchovy stock
2. Then add your spring onion and fish cakes once the sauce is boiling
3. Once the sauce thickens (it will coat the back of your spoon), you can switch off the gas and voila! It is all ready! 
4. Garnish your dobukki with spring onion. Or seaweed. Your poison of choice tbh

Bonus: Since I love the sauce, I usually make more, so you can add instant noodles (or ramyeon) or rice and mix them all up once all other ingredients (the fish and rice cakes) are finished. If you want more, you can also add cheese. Any cheese, sliced sandwich cheese or gourmet cheese.

Serve hot! It is yummilicious hot and spicy!

Best Friend

If there is one person I love on this earth other than my loved ones (my family, that goes without saying), it is Joyce.

She is my best friend. I may not grown up with her, I may not know her long enough (but I've known her for more than 10 years, about 1/3 of my life, all of it in adulthood) and has loved her as long.

I met her in Auckland from a peer-to-peer programme both of us volunteered for. It was, if possible, love at first sight. We just clicked. She is so grounded and practical. While I was more whimsical and emotional. But we fit. Sometimes, we don't need to be similar to just love each other.

She became my family away from my much-loved family. We were both each others' sidekick. We lunched, we brunched, we dined, we gossed, we karaoked out of our lungs and lives. We did weird things. We talked about random things. We watched weird stuff. We went to concerts (sorry I am SO not into movies, so we missed that). 

Her home was where her beautiful cats and family welcomed me. 

When she got married, I was her bridesmaid. I am truly honored to be beside her on her big day. I get to know Alex (well, that mysterious catfish is OUT THERE I AM SURE, or was it EELS?).

I met a lot more people from Joyce. She is that person who knows everyone and she is friends with everyone. 

There are too many stories to tell. Good and bad, she went through a lot with me in my last 4 years in Auckland and we kept in touch since the wedding last year.

She is having a hard time now. That is her story to tell.

I miss her and I wish her the best and all of my prayers. There is always more love around.

Love you and miss you.

Stay healthy and happy, both you and Alex.

Thinking of you.

I am not there physically but my thoughts are always with you. 

THERE WILL BE GOOD DAYS AHEAD. ALWAYS.