Friday, February 6, 2009

my inner bitch (or wholebody bitchiness)

i am a bitch...well not exactly....but today as i opened my eyes i realised that i can act like a queen bitch sometimes...i am a bit judgmental and very defensive and loves to argue...i can honestly say that my judgmentalism is more like selective judgmentalism...i judge whom i hate...i am also a contrary person...say if someone told me that she plans to eat at one of my favourite restaurant and asks me out for dinner at that place, i will suddenly say that i will prefer to eat at another place...my contrariness sometimes drives me crazy (like i'm having all this internal debate on whether i should act spiteful or not, with the benefits of course)....


i also realised that if i hate (too strong a word, probably closer to dislike than hate) a person, i can bitch about him/her on and on without losing resources...things that i usually tolerate with another person like a girl who loves to put on make-up can be translated that the girl is a vain-biatch...i purposely misunderstood that person, like if she said 'oh i personally don't suit that kind of dress' will be translated as 'oh u have an atrocious sense of fashion and i would not be caught dead in that ugly dress!' and i will proceed to 'dislike' her more...


oh i would never ever bitch about the people that i dislike openly to anyone....i am somehow reserved about talking of my dislikes of others....but if i meet somehow who shares the mutual 'dislike' or my close family members, how i can spend hours and hours bitching on that person...funny at the end of the particular bitching session, i will snap out of my bitchiness-trance and realise that i am not super perfect to comment on another person so openly...i will end the conversation piously (well usually if i remember) by saying 'well i am not that perfect either so yeah, maybe that's just how i feel and she is not exactly as bad that all that....i don't even know if people genuinely like me or just be able to barely tolerate me'...after the said conversation, i feel like the other person that i talk to will think that i'm such a spiteful person....


miraculously, i can act like i am such of a good friend of the so-called 'disliked' person...it's a wonder because i always have this inner comments popping in my brain whenever i talk to this person....it's like when he said things like 'oh i missed you so much' and suddenly this reply will pop out of nowhere 'oh how i was in 7th heaven when you were not here!and now i'm back in purgatory'....not that i verbalise my feelings...i wonder if these people realise that i dislike them...


i guess in the end i will never know...i don't even know if, in general, people like me...i don't lose sleep over it but i do wonder if others are like me, pretending tolerance and friendliness but knowing inside it is all fake....not that i dislike many people as i found it difficult to dislike a person...i like most of people that i meet and it is unusual for me to make judgments so early in my acquaintance (or make judgments at all)...i personally think that i can tolerate a lot of difficult personalities and eccentricities but there will be one or two person in this whole universe whom i just can't help of feeling repelled to...it's like there are something about them that i just can't take it...


in the end, i think i can behave beautifully if i mind myself...i'm not a jungle animal who doesn't know where to pounce and where to stop...i am only human...my bitchiness is my failing (as i do have many, failings that is) and i am thinking whether i should keep it or ditch it...bitchiness does help me from being overly naive...alas, this debate of bitchiness will continue (i'm very attached to my inner bitch)....hehehe...

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